so i was walking with this guy i know... fuck his breath was like cats ass! meow much?!
well anyways, i think he could be considered bisexual in the way he finds other men to be attractive and very few girls to be anymore than sick! the catch is, he is never going to allow the ass ramming.
i think he may some day, but until then he's my best friend!
hehe!

i think the best part is, first and foremost, he's my best friend in the entire world and i adore that! and whats more, he's a great guy in general!
(you have to love this stage of relationship where nothing means more to you than that one person.... for me, this is anything but a stage... its a way of life)


hahahah hey Kass... cheese it up some more while your at it!
or you can go back to making fun of Ali! hahah that little faggot!
i love him to death until the day comes when he leaves me for a man!

i almost think i would accept that more since then, as a best friend i have work to do in the consoleing area, and i'd feel less dumped... more so...... like i wasn't fulfilling his needs!
teehee!

anyways! i think i am secretly drunk! did i have an red food colouring... shit and piss i did!! god damn grape juice! its working it magic on me... talk about your cheap drunk:)

you know what bugs me?!
when the wrong thing happenes to the wrong person!
like when the kid who normally works so hard doesnt this ONE time and something bad happens!
well that happens all the time...
the kids whom i love more than anyone else in the world seem to have the worst luck...
do i somehow cause the shitty luck?!

i don't think i do but who knows...

dont let yourself get down because of how other people treat you.
the Jews survived the opression, as did every other minority in the world.
no one is rounding you out as minorities...
dont do it to yourself
:D

i had the best weekend!
i was surrounded by great friends whom i never see out of school.
and i was with the people i see nearly everyday!

i found out a few things about myself this weekend...

-if i am supposed to get my period at four am on sunday and i am awake at four... it comes when i get up to pee!
-when it is freezing cold, don't make your best friends chuck pumpkin guts at you! cold!
-don't offer to cut out pumpkin's teeth,,, your too damn artsy and you fuck it up!! oh well!
-never under-estimate the power of the overbite! you can STILL bob for apples!
-caramel for the caramel corn... it's a hot and sticky substance... let's figure this out... if it sticks to you that means it doesn't come off easily. if it's hot it hurts. if it is both hot and sticky that means the pain is stuck there... eeek!
-don't eat so damn much, your stomach gets confused and makes odd noises.
-veggie burgers from no frills equals SICK!!
-look at the great friends you have... hahah look at that one *points*
-sweet kisses are my favourite! soft, nice and meaningful!
-grandpa's bed is hard... next time sleep on the tile floor... more comfy
-fuck tampons without applicators... they fucking suck
-never assume you know someone as well as you thing you do... she may just have sex
-again, don't eat so much.. not only will it solve the fat but also solve the tummy ouchies!
-don't talk to your best friends mum (who also, unknowingly, plays the role of your 'boyfriends' mum) that you can't look at your dad when he's coughing for fear of death, not tell her you hate when people takes meds. she's going to take you to be odd, and mostly don't tell her your opinion of sex... you really think she cares?
-I am a damn good glassy bits picker upper!

i had a beautiful weekend!
orange coloured candlelight from out of a pumpkin,
wonderful apple cider then sauce,
REAL MAPLE SYRUP!

thanks guys! it was a blast!

i cant believe i remembered the password for this.
i didnt htink i knew it and then my fingers just started to type!
thank you insane memory powers!!

...and for once things seem to be painting a picture. my surrealism has lifted, or has it just truly begun?

maybe i see things clearly now,
or at least the picture being painted has a final ending in mind, a definate form...
oooorrrrrr maybe i am just seeing things as being more 'real' through a clouded mind.

as the drunk driver see's the terrible turn up ahead as a calm curve,
perhaps, for once, i see the world for the good apposed to the bad...

think about it!

fuck! i am only going to bitch so it will be out of my system.
i am having the best day ever! i didnt think anything could take that away from me...

wow! i should have known i was wrong!
dad fuck you! we used to get along what the fuck happened!?
you say i grew up too quickly...
sorry that you forced 6 going on 25 on me...
i didnt choose this...
i didnt choose any of this!

i am so sure that i finally get something i have wanted for so long
and the only thing i can think about, in refernce to the whole thing is, do i even deserve you?
you know what, i think i do... for once i think i do.
to me... you are the only thing that makes sence. its been like that for a long time... you've always made sence.


thats not the point.

i am back to having a good day!

i'm even smiling now:D




wow kass!! your like fucking pregnant or something! random mood swings and violent cravings... get that checked

WOW could i be more gay!?
like honeslty! i think if i smile at another person i'll officially be S.U (if you DON'T know who that is, ask me)

what can i say though, happiness... thats me!

i really feel that my on going cloud statement speaks to people.
they may not realize it but if they think about it...

everybody has a moment when everything seems to stand still, everything goes foggy, your knees may get weak.

everyone has moments like this...

see the world for its beauty, see the world through
the squinting eyes of a child.

when you smile you squint and the world is cheery and
grand, when you stare into the sun, you squint, and
nothing ever compares to the brightness ...

everyone has moments when the clouds roll in.

think about it!

and the clouds roll in...

so i tried... well i didnt! i was going to talk to you about it but like i said, i cant... i dont think i can anyways.

i want to cry and hide for the rest of eternity...

its not your fault.
its mine ultimately.
i let myself be fooled. i
am going to go throw up... i want to be rachel leigh cook...
i am so sorry... fuck

i really dont expect anything to come of this i just want to know why ths came. i want to know if there was really any reason... i suspect not but i dont know.

i could talk forever.
i just want to sit and remember the times...
i loved it... i love you...
i am sentimental SHIT

i think i will shut up just so i dont feel fucking gay,,,

whatever...

i am going to go puke again

i love you... it means so much but this weekend i wonder if maybe it means anything at all?

have you ever done something that was SO right and SO great when it was happening and thinking back on it you don't regret it but you wonder why you did it and what would have happened if you didn't?
this is one of those times.
I loved this weekend!! TORI!! you goddess!:) wow!
to spend time with a friend who i never really see, dumb out of town kids!
to make friends with someone i have only heard GREAT things about
to make sure that my best friend since grade five until forever realizes this... until forever:)

but then i think to myself, why did i do that. like really?! its not like its a usual thing to do! there was no mutual feelings, none that have ever been expressed. normally i don't feel bad for these types of things but this wasn't alcohol induced and, for once, i actually like this person.

i don't want this to be seen in the wrong way!

my weekend made me happier than i have been in a while, but at what cost? what will the reprecussions be?

i am fucking proud about one thing though. i am not expecting anything at all. i don't have anything to desire to happen. more than i ever saw possible has happened this weekend and i am quite content to sit and let it settle, die down, be forgotten.
i doubt i'll forget, but who knows.

i love you... i think now, it still means the world to me. i love you

basically, my weekend was fine thus far, but you know what? things really are going to change so fast.

we need to talk...


i dont think i can!

why are you so far from saving me, why are you so far from my groning? by night and by day i cry out in pain, why is it that you do not answer? for YOU alone were the holy one, in you are fathers trusted. they cried out to you and were saved, why do you not answer me!? i am a worm no longer a man, la ma sa bach thani, they have peirced my feet and hands, la ma sa bach thani.

why did it have to be a friend, who would betray the lord, and why did he use a kiss to show thats not what a kiss is for. and on a cross, for on a cross a thief as supposed to pay. and jesus had come into the world to steal every heart away.

easter music! i love it!

anywys! i ought to be off to the land of the bedding and pillows


what was once just meant to be a joke, something small has grown.
can i, as an artist, see if its out of proportion?
i can't see...

the clouds have rolled in

I decided today that maybe i will take my head out of my own ass,
look at all the people i never got to know.

the insanly ugly people who i poke fun at just because they are ugly,
the girls in the choir who couldn't sing if their life depended on it,
the people in my art classes who don't even know what a palette knife is for!
the girls in the bathroom looking at themselves attempting to fix the travesty that is their hair,
the revolting couples who kiss and hold and god knows what else. i know i can't bear to think of it.
the people who are just unintelligent and untalented in every way humanly possible.
the tough guys who only try to be tough since they aren't coordinated enough to play sports and they need resepct in some way.
the parents who can't let their child even listen to music the way they want let alone play it.
the cliques of ditzy girls and popular boys
the thin girls who are pretty no matter how ugly they seem to be,
the people you know will make it somewhere, someday just because they know they can
the people you see day in and day out
the person you never see but you know is there,
the person who stares back at you when looking in the mirror...

should i not get to know one person just because i hate another?
if i were to hate my best friends girlfriend, would i, inturn, hate my best friend?

you know what? unfortunately i think i would.
i am full of hate, if you hate yourself you give off hate

i mean it when i say i love you, if you are lucky enough to REALLY hear that from me
but to be honest, how can i love you if i cant or don't love myself?
i need to work on that
tell me you'll help me?

i never ask for help, i have always been so independant i do things on my own

tell me you'll help me!

i'm going to fall,
tell me you'll catch me!

i'm going to cry,
tell me you'll comfort me!

i'm going to die,
tell me you'll remember me!

i'm going to love you,
tell me you'll *always* love me!

i want to be the same size as rachel leigh cook! she is so perfect!


why do some people get to be pretty, talented, thin, nice, intelligent
and people like me get the scraps: descent social skills, "great parental unit". unending sentimentality.

i get the scraps because i deserve it and i always knew that.
i just never decided to admit it until right now.

well there! i have done it!

i am shit! i am the scraps. please refrain from talking to me but step on me all you'd like.




i just love me.

dont you?

sentimental shitland here i come:)

talking today about how no one should be unhappy due to someone else... i am unhappy.

i have the greatest friend base in the world and i dont deserve it! that makes me unhappy!
i am so pathetically loving someone who i should never have liked! it makes me unhappy!
i am longing to be someone who has no friends except the one person they love! i'd be happy!


i am not going to go on for a long time! i have homework, well a law test.

i love you:)

when will you going to love ME as much as i do...
really,
c'mon,
when?

the clouds mean more to me than i even knew was possible...
clouds are more secure than any peice of land i think i have seen.

I've come to face the fatcs that i am tacky and overly sentimental.
though it later life, it may be thought of as my "undieing youth shining through the winkled eye of the soul"
right now its fucking annoying! wow! i amaze myself!

to be totally honest! i have never had so much fun with christine as i did tonight! it was amazing! it was like a new level of friendship.

the level where i really realize what a fucking bitch i am usually to a person who has never done anything to me!

i hvae never even talked to her about music. never just asked her why she likes the songs she likes,,, i never thought to care


her favourite band is finger eleven and she likes the song fade by staind

i am sorry,

once i said that i was clouded and i was weak in the knees all about one person,
i am still like that, when i am with that person.
when i am with other people, they matter...
they matter



cheers to my friendsips only being stronger due to the realization that a bitch like me doesnt deserve friends anyways:)

night

had a good night tonight!

i am pretty damn good at twister!!:) i never knew that!
i guess its cuz i never played really?!
i think i will invest in a twister board!


Ali, you are great,
but i wish you could talk to me when things are wrong.
without trying to be tacky,
actually with trying to NOT be tacky,
i will always listen kay?!

anyways i'm off for a night of BORED:)

see you

shallow. thats what i am!

i have been confused all along. maybe i just didnt want to admit it! i am a shallow bicth!
my problems are of little to no importance to my friends yet i make them listen as i rant and rave... god

i never used to regret, and now i wonder if maybe i never regreted anything before, because i didnt really know what regret was. i think i understand now and i am pretty sure i regret things once a day.

well you see, here i go again bitching to no one about nothing of any importance and yet i feel releaved for saying what little bullshit i did...
wow i really dont........ ugh!

see you

again... agian i am seen for what i am really am.
a backstabbing bitch of a "friend"
some fucking friend i am!
rather than see the few people who care
i see one person, who i care for.

i see the rest of you, the person who first knew my dark secrets,
the friend i have gone through the unthinkable with,
the quite friends who feel like they are in my shadow.
i just see you out of the side of my eyes...

if only they knew that my shadow is big due to them,
if i had no friends to tell me i am good at things,
if i didnt have people to judge my talents so i see them being only as good as someone else see's them
if they fucking knew i was a burnt person.

my shadow is big enough to be under because i have forced you to believe that
crawl out from underneath,
stay on the pedistal where you belong
i only see the one person i care for,
to see, in hopes, in dreams,
that perhaps the level of care will change.

christ,,, i truly hate myself.

you think i am saying that so things will be good again, so that i will be able to look you in the eye again.
i am NOT going to blame the little depression lately. i am a bitch and i cant change.

you think i dont know what its like to be hurt. you think no one has ever hurt me?
just because i am loud doesnt mean i am unemotional.
i have been hurt so many times that i dont care anymore.
i seem like i dont care becuase i dont.

i have faced the fact i have fucked something else great up.
i ask for too much time, i always need time.
well fuck you kassya.
you dont need time you need to have people who care,
if you do this again,
soon no one will care at all

you will say "people will always care about you... you know like 1000000 people"
do i know them? half of them i dont know their last name,
and the other half i dont know their first name.
i know your middle name, birthday, favourite band, pop, colour...

can i fix this?
probably but at who's cost?

it sound like i am thinking about myself,
i'm not... for once,
i am more so worried about what will happen,
if and when,
i make the same mistake again?
i do learn from my mistakes,
and i attempt to apply what i have been taught through tourment,
all i can say is "kassya fails again"

dont forgive me,
it will make you think things are the same as before...

if i ever hurt you, betray you, lose you,
lets start over
give me the chance to start over.

on one hand i have the lessons i;ve learned,
on the other hand i have the many people who would be so important to me now,
i just fucked it up and they are gone,
they will stay gone.

i fucked it up...

again...

one day you'll see... you'll understand.
when i do things, i do them for you.
to me, there is nothing, no one better
i may seem unrealistic in my ways
who need's realism?
think of me as an artist,
i'll never be morbid for i, can express anything.
think of me as surreal,
what you see you may not get,
but perhaps thats all thats there.
or perhaps you don't get what you see,
you dont understand
on the contrary,
i am misunderstood due to my realism
i am apprently negative,
no. its realistic
apparently i am that farthest thing from surreal

surreal :Having an oddly dreamlike quality.

is this not me?
i feel as though i'm not being seen,
as the artist i aspire to be.
perhaps to be an artist, one must first find inspiration...

all my inspiration is from my best friend,
my best friend... i cry thinking about that statement and all it stands for
*you* have influenced me in ways,
ways i never thought possible.

maybe through my lack of realism i see myself,
nearly subjectively,
as being surreal

correct me if i am wrong

i...
do i deserve you? your ideas, friendship... love?
i think the world it prettier through squinting eyes,
i squint when i smile.

is the world nicer due to the squint or the smile?
i squint because of sun,
is the sun not beautiful?

i love today, bruises, dirt, fun, food, today was better than i ever imagined.
do i deserve you, your attention, you at all?!

probably not..
so in conclusion, thanks for 'taking me in'

Love and time-those are the only two things in all the world and all of life that cannot be bought, but only spent.

-Gary Jennings
so ture! i really am better now rolling down hills and playing on the equipment!


i loved today!

everything worked out for the best

day three: i failed... or did i win?! we are speaking again... personally i feel i won... what do you think?

yesterday after school... memory failed me. i dont seem to remember a whole lot between the end of concert band and my arrival home?

an intellingent man, some place, some time said, you need to have something to push yourself, somthing to strive for. something to love so much that you wake up in the morning, that you will sing each day.
above all that "thing" which pushes you and which you love ought to be a person...

for some, maybe a family member, maybe your mother or a child
perhaps a total stranger, an orphan in a far away country, a battered woman at a shelter
maybe its a significant other.

my person is all these things, let me explain
*you* are:
-the intelligent man, you always knew that, now i confirm
-like a mother you care for me, unconditional love!
-child like in your ways, naive, confused, do i dare say, false happiness at all times?
-a total stranger. you may not understand but there is so much i dont know. sometimes i look at you and i dont see you, i see your being but you have left it. sometimes everyday is a new person, then you come back
-an orphan, abandoned and cold, alone in your misery until you think. alone until you see that someone, who may be far away or who may be closer than ever, loves you!
-you;ve got scars from 'beatings' you have the undying fear of "what if it happens again" because of this you take on a, forgive my tongue, false personna. you live through fear and thus in turn fear lives through you. you, as i have done so many times, dont see those who care, you see the ones who may not like you, those who pose a threat.
-why would i ever need anyone else, for anything? significant other your not, not now, not yet, maybe not ever, your more than that, your life long companion who needs nothing to feel loved, for as long i live, you have my heart. it may seem fragile, scarred, tourmented but... its safe

all of the above rolled into one person...

if life were a play, my play would be through the first song.
i would have already introduced myself.
without introduction, you stand there and the entire show unfolds,
its melodrama,
my father,
my issues,
my 'disorders',
my tourmented heart...
the whole thing unfolds, (that will all be told another time, another day)

yet, through the show the audience see's you with other girls, thinking then that we are friends,
seeing us together thinking we're in love,




let the melodrama begin!

it's 11:30 and i am off to bed.

i have already drown my troubles in iced cream,,, i will throw up...
i think now is the sleep time then soon i will have my alarm screaming!

why cant it be subtle "hey, guess what!? guess what? its time to get up!"

today... a blur.
colours freely passing me by,
speeding and whirling,
my head hurts

mostly the colours of blue and white and then a blonde like yellow,
even if only for a moment,
perhaps an insignificant moment for one,
precious, yet unfelt and forgotten to the other.

i dont feel like i saw you,
was it a dream?
i have dreams that seem so real, was that just another one?
tell me... reality?

today i played well, despite my pathetic excuse for a sax. so many things have changed,
my once sweetly singing saxy is now tarnished and old and virtually useless!

the most beautiful person i have met was no more than 1.5 metres away from me for two hours and i didt notice.
i was SO proud... i didnt see you... hear you... think... i played. i laughed. i spoke!

it was strange. it was like today everything you have ever said sunk into me. i believed you, i am your best friend, i dont need to question it. i may not understand your reasons, hell you may have none. but for some reason I'm your best friend! i have reasons as to why your mine,,, i could name them off but i am so redundant, i'll leave it to, i needed you and so i took you in, i keep you becaus i love you
today i thought maybe one day things will work out with us, for the better, either way this friendship is only just begun and it has so many avenues to explore and so many ways to develope!

today i am sentimental and crappy

tought of the day!:
When written in Chinese,
the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters--
one represents danger,
and the other represents opportunity.

-John F. Kennedy

see you

if i would have thought i could have saved so many people.. or at least one more.. i could have saved one more. -Shindler, Oskar
shindler, you genious asshole.

needless to say i am sentimental moody... dangerous!
i need to cry and i need to skip and sing! i cant do either. i am only capable of dwelling right now.

the greatest person i have ever met, the most intelligent, the most caring, the most beautiful inside and (definately) out, and just incredibly talented in general, the greatest person i have ever met and i am priviledged enough to be friends with this person.

i remember one time, someone called me co-dependant and i was distraught! then i realized i am something i have never wanted to be... co-dependant...
its all my fault, i am punishing the world with my bullshit bad mood and... god i hate it

take a week off so i can sort things... i cant revolve around us... and i did... i saw what it did to "beaster" and "shower head" and i cant bear to think of that... i know its a different scenario... i know... i know... i am so dumb but... i took a week off, maybe things will be like they were before... we'd talk all the time and i'd look forward to it and i lived for it but i could live without it.

is it pathetic? probably, do i have reasons, i think so if you dont think my reasons are vaild, smart, important at all... tell me!

i didnt see *you* i saw your coat and heard your voice... how did you do your hair? i dont know... god kassya you fucker quit... this is why we take a week off. hmmph


i am going to go ... i cant sit here.






today i wasnt me. not the me any of you know. today i was the me i used to be. the me that i tried to kill... its so pathetic that i mean that! today i went back to thinking "if you never smile, if you always look sad soon people won't notice you at all,,, if they don't see you they can't make fun of you. If they are used to you always being sad they can't centre you out when your having an "attack" with you its weird when you smile, don't smile its false hopes for not only yourself but also to any on lookers who care to notice" - my philosophy of the day.

bye